Monday 24 June 2013

Landslide - Dixie Chicks ......... Lyrics Stevie Nicks

Could it really be? Could the Orchid have buds on it? When I thought it was all done and dusted amongst the weeds I honesty think I can see something.

 Six years ago walking through nan and pops house I knew the pressure was on to "sort" through their belongings, I had done this once before with Michael's Grandma 7 years ago, so I kind of knew what to expect. Remove the emotions out of it Anth, systematically it just needs to be done.

My step mum had already gone through the process of clearing things that she deemed as "important". But all I could think of was, he lived  till he was 90 and he got to see my babies born, that was important to me in those final months, everything else was materialistic and really without them in there, it was just becoming an emptied unit, no longer a "home".

She kept nagging me to fill the car , it was of great urgency to have this done as they wanted to rent out the unit. SOOOO lost on me but hey, it was what it was.

I walked from room to room, it felt cold, I never knew the rooms were this big, I never really had too look at it like that, it was where I was loved and I felt safe, and it was the only place I had felt unconditional love. No matter what was going on, nan and pop just adored me. They picked up that ringing phone, no matter what time it was and no problem was ever too big to handle. We were spoilt ...... spoilt and loved !!!

Times were changing, I'm a mum now, I'm a wife but I will always be their granddaughter, they were just not within these four walls anymore.  So as I walked around, there was nothing I wanted, the only things that meant anything was my memories and their love and firmly in my heart they remain but anything material, I just couldn't see it ?

The water feature my nan LOVED so much and it needed to be turned on, every time we visited because she was so proud of her "water feature" even that looked like a big mound of plastic. All that I wanted was a little bell she would wave around when she wanted something, when she was too ill to talk and perhaps some plants?

I always admired The Japanese Maple, that had it's own beach umbrella to keep it protected in the weathered conditions and perhaps the orchids because whenever it flowered, nan would ring me to tell me she had her magnificent flowers.

If by some stroke of genius, I could keep them alive then I was somehow honouring them?

I managed to over love the Maple, I put it into a larger pot to give the roots more room, and it was beautiful but then we went on holidays and I feed it too much and it just died.

I did so much research on how to keep the orchids healthy, I had imagined this array of pots and flourishing, and I had become an orchid growing sensation overnight. I put bean bag balls through the soil to create air, fed them special fertiliser and I separated the dry root bulbs discarding them and keeping the healthy root bulbs and replanted them, when they appeared stagnant and unresponsive,  I just put them to the side. I just didn't want to wish for the impossible anymore. Yep I gave up, it was never going to happen, so why even pretend to try ...... perhaps it's just never going to be my thing. I haven't thought about the Orchids for at least 2 years. That was until this Saturday.

 I was looking at my veggie patches




when I glanced down the side of the house, where the garden has overgrown with weeds through the garden beds ( just another one of the jobs I can't get too because of this knee)  and I see the pot .... of green and a line of flower bulbs from the orchids hanging over the pot, something I have never seen in the 7 years of having them !!!



I couldn't get to those pots quick enough to pull the weeds out of them, it had happened without me even trying, they were bringing themselves back to life and this completely resonated with me. I really needed this to happen in this exact moment.

I've been finding it difficult to relate to 12wbt, sure I can eat well but the exercise and the measurement of success? Well I can't get around the 1km block, can I do a push up, or the  sit & stretch or the wall sit? My knee does not allow me to do any of these.  So what did I have to offer in a blog?  I feel like I have not achieved anything since February, when all this knee problem began.

Well it all comes back to the orchids.

Sometimes we just have to wait for the "right" time to be upon us. The orchids went through so many seasons, without water, without food, it still had the base and the root system. Whilst there was still light, air, the right amount of shade, it just wasn't going to give up, even when I had pushed it to the side.

Once it meant everything to me to "Honor" my grandparents in death and what it symbolised to me in these plants. The "want & wish ",  just wasn't even enough, so me to keep that vision alive.

So I immediately bought it around from the side, to remind myself that it's taken this long of neglect and has come a full circle. It will still take quite a few months for those buds to come into bloom but boy when it does, I will enjoy them so much more. Just like my nan did.  Not only because of her but because I know what it went through to get there and what it now represents in 2013.

Just like my 12wbt experience. I may not be doing it under the complete umbrella of 12wbt, but like the maple needed the umbrella for shade, sometimes even I need help, to grow in the right direction. I needed to come out from the weathered conditions too.  In time I will eventually get there, if I remain true, dedicated and remain honest to the person who matters the most .... to myself.

I still know who I am, some thing 12 months ago, I had no idea because life was just so out of control on so many levels. I believe I'm a good person, and I've learnt so much from every experience, I've lived ....... be that good or bad.

 It makes me wonder there's nothing I love more than climbing the mountain. God, it's hard work but the view is so incredible and .......  I ask myself, what's my own reflection on a snow covered hill?  From that beautiful song. The Landslide.

Who do I see?

Does it need to be a skinny person looking back at me? Not particularly ...... skinny ......  it would be nice but I need to be in a healthy, strong functioning body. I hope I see a good, kind person, who just will never give up on moving forward, it's going to take time, and still more healing on a totally new level !!!!  No matter what the weather may bring.  I feel so much richer for having the tools and determination to get to where I want to go, no matter how long it takes me and my body, when the time is right for me.

When I went through nan and pops house I had to go in and detach myself from any of my emotions. When it comes to weight loss .....  again I need to keep being detached in the emotion of weight gain/loss and just stick with what I have already known to have worked for me.

My nan & pop were my roots.
The orchids had their roots and through it all, no matter the seasons and changes, I just have to weather the storm so I can bloom again in the sunshine, just like those buds.  So I can stand on my own mountains again.
















Landslide : Dixie Chicks

Oh how I love the original too, but this film clip is so beautiful & crisp
 
 
 
 
Songwriters: Stevie Nicks
 
I took my love and I took it down
I climbed a mountain and I turned around

And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
'Till the landslide brought me down

Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail thru the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Mmm Mmm...

Well, I've been afraid of changing
'Cause I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Children get older
I'm getting older too



(Gutiar solo)

Well, I've been afraid of changing
'Cause I, I built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Children get older
I'm getting older too
I'm getting older too

So, take my love, take it down
Oh climb a mountain and turn around
If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well the landslide will bring you down, down

And If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well maybe the landslide will bring it down
Oh oh, the landslide will bring it down