The last time I felt like this was the night I said good bye to Jenny at her funeral. For some silly reason, I knew I could cope with the whole enormity of the day, flying in from Queensland, then turning up at the funeral, because I could focus for 45 minutes and get lost in my aqua class, forget about it, listen to the beat of the music, sweat and go hard ........ go hard for that burn. I went to bed exhausted yet free because I was no longer worried about her and the saying rest in peace rang true.
So last week, when I came out of the pool, I felt lost, now what? What if I can't exercise? It's become my place of peace and when I am finished I feel like I can take on anything and everything. For the first time in a really long time, I just wanted to cry and I felt really, really lost and I actually felt really alone !!!!
I haven't felt "miserable" over anything ( other than Simone & Jenny) , and especially not over food, but for the first time I could feel the distance between the pool and the car felt so long and I could feel a panic attack, sitting there in the pit of my stomach, and to tell you the truth, it scared the crap out of me. Asking me not to exercise is like telling a greyhound not to chase the mechanical rabbit. This is my love ....... this is my passion.
Exercise has felt like the key to everything, whilst Jenny was dying, it was my escape. I couldn't wait to wake up every Saturday to do my SSS. I knew I could eat a little extra if I was prepared to "burn" it off and that worked for me. But now, I am faced with a whole new set of circumstances, and challenges and what if I couldn't get rid of my blues ....... then what?
So I did some deep thinking in a couple of days, Why do I feel so hopeless? How on earth do I turn this around? I haven't turned to food but by god I could feel the rip tide pulling me in the wrong direction. What if I was floating and sinking out to sea again? What if I can't stop these internal thoughts and I wake up over 100kgs again?
So I open up the computer and I read through my blogging. It's my own thoughts and written words that would be pull me back from my non exercise funk and dilemma. What was it that got me through my thought process?' ..... wow reiki, it's been 8 weeks since I had my last reiki.( my rieki master has moved away)
So I reach out to a friend who does reiki. I needed to be centred again. I had taken on far too much and I needed to make some decisions.
Once I had my reiki, things just seemed to be clearer. I was thinking about moving woolworth stores, because I was looking for more hours but the new store was not accepting hours beyond my contract and I didn't want to let anyone down and questioning do I need a change? What's going on with my knee? Do I go to finale, if I am in so much pain? I've already booked hair & make-up, will I be letting people down? I had planned Michael's Birthday to do private dancing lessons and I can't even walk? I felt like I was letting so many people down.
So many questions and no answers. This is all typical behaviour before 12wbt .... never making definitive decisions until the last minute because I was thinking about how it was affecting everyone else. Not only this but I was beginning to wear my tracksuit pants, and not putting my jewellery on and not doing my hair, all past behaviour that was associated with a person who just didn't care a hell of a lot about themselves because I felt completely blocked.
So by Sunday night I had decided to go back to the doctors, and get more advice, halt the interview for a new job, not go to finale, and look towards the next round in a whole new approach, because I wasn't even going to do the next round and I arranged Michael's birthday. Action ...... I was back into action, making things happen after feeling so lost.
Michael's birthday is the week end of 27th but with Anzac Day, he is taking the Friday off too, which I happen to be booked in to have my Dexa Scan. He was most interested in the details of The Dexa Scan and I thought PERFECT. He watches the 12wbt videos with me and is so supportive of our new lifestyle, that I have secretly booked him to have a Dexa Scan too, so we both have the same focus.
It was a great week ( better than the past 3 weeks) , boys back at school, gym assessment with PT Paul, and Physio on Wednesday.
All my questions were being answered. I am now doing 90 minutes of upper body work in the gym, 2 times a week. Which I have been specifically told ( once again I wanted to be there every second day) YOU ...... need to ONLY see me 2 days a week or you will be doing all that work for nothing, your muscles need time to repair, note has been taken, although hard, I have heard.
Physio has told me it will be a 6-8 week recovery. It looks like I have injured my meniscus, which shoots pain on the outside and inside of my leg and pain through my knee. I am only to do very straight movements. Cross trainer, and bike okay , no rower but I need to be mindful that my knees and legs are straight. NO water, as that gives me no stability and I need a solid surface. I need to keep moving to get the oxygen through it, then it needs to be rested. But just knowing the right actions I need to be doing , not to cause it anymore pain, is amazing , like getting out of the car, getting off the couch, a chair, the toilet, all makes a difference but at least I am not "guessing" anymore. ( surgeon on the 7th of May)
So I am being very measured and smart in what I can and can't do but what has surprised me the most is how much I have changed, but in some areas I haven't . I began feeling really fearful that Anthea 100 kilos plus was coming back.
My weight dances from 90-88kgs and I feel really heavy and revolting but had you asked me at 120kgs would I have been happy at under 100 kgs? I would have said ,"Hell yeah !!!!"
But through all this self doubt, what I have found hard is not getting hung up on the eating Vs the burning of calories because that honestly was doing my head in, it didn't make sense to me because that's the only way I have been operating.
Why do I LOVE exercising? It's because of the way I feel after I have pushed myself to new limits, it's that natural high that you get, of feeling unstoppable, which in turns makes me want to make all the right food decisions because I didn't want to undo all that effort I had put in. When I'm not exercsing it's even harder for me to stay on track.
It has however, always been about the way I feel, the way I feel after exercising, the way I feel after eating crap food, always about the feelings and emotions attached to my choices.
I then realised how important it is, to take care of myself and make me feel good in other means, other than exercising. I continue to have waxing because it makes me feel fresh and sexy, I put a face mask on, I conditioned my hair and I bought new clothes.
Before 12wbt I thought all this was "reserved" for people who were "up" themselves, but I get it now. If you feel good about yourself, you carry yourself differently and you react and action things very differently too.
So yes carry out those milestones and hit all those indicators of calories in and calories out, that's so important for your weight loss but also be aware that it's o-kay to take care of yourself with other things that make you feel good. Be consistent in the 12wbt markers but also be consistent in making yourself feel good about yourself all the time !!!!
We are all human, we all have our emotions, god knows I feel like Ive been completely lost this round, we will have our ups and downs but it's so important to be a bit kinder on ourselves too.
Straight lines is what I need to be walking , for my recovery and to not stray beyond my own boundaries. It's not easy but by god I'm still bloody learning and trying to be the best version of myself, no matter how hard I am finding it.
Breathing from a hole in my lung
I had no one
With faces in front of me
Racing through the void in my head
To find traces
Of a good luck academy
Sparks ignite and trade them for thought
About no one
And nothing in particular
Washed the sickened socket and drove
Resent nothing
There's good will inside of me
[Chorus]
Wake me up, lower the fever
Walking in a straight line
Set me on fire in the evening
Everything will be fine
Wake me up strong in the morning
Walking in a straight line
Lately, I'm a desperate believer
But walking in a straight line
Something I will never forget
I felt desperate
And stuck to the marrow
Invisible to everyone else
I'm a sex-change
And a damsel with no heroine
[Chorus]
I don't need no time to say
There's no changing yesterday
If we keep talking and
I keep walking in straight lines
s so what I need to be walking.
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