" I can see clearly now the rain has gone " ...... Jimmy Cliff version

 

 

 

 

We flew in at 6am in the morning from Queensland, I looked at my boys who had wide beautiful eyes, they have returned with the greatest memories from their holiday.

 

 Taj dare not enter the toilet, as he learnt that on his first flight, turbulence and an unsteady hand was not a good combination for an 8 year old, great amusement to me, exactly what I need a damn good laugh.  They knew mummy was sad, but the also knew every day that each time I looked at them, I was just ever so thankful.

 

It's funny you know, right at the start of Jens pain, and we had no idea what was to come, I texted her, "please get better, I miss you", her reply,"glad someone does". LOL.   As it progressed so did my visits. I would see all her cards, and flowers in her bedroom, the study now resembled a small pharmacy & the freezer could not hold anymore food because of all the kind people bringing over meals. She would always giggle, smile and say, " I rather like all this attention, I had no idea I was this loved !!!"

 

I would say, "Jen, I just have no idea who would step up for me, I have a good father but he  is a little self absorbed, and my sister isn't coping with life herself, and my mother is absent, besides Michael, I just have no idea, who would really ..... really love me enough to put their life on hold", she said, "I have no idea, it's just happened and I thank everyone for making me feel wonderful."

 

Besides my husband I have 4 friends that know my history, know my struggles and adore me unconditionally, Tara, Haley, Lisa & Jenny.

 

It takes me some time  for me to accept "friends", but I trust in those feelings I have in what makes a good friend. When you have hurt, like I have hurt, it really is a self preservation, and that's actually the way I like it.

 

So when Jenny died, and a felt so far away, I was once again reminded, "Anth you have no idea who will step up to the plate", and soon after I was receiving text messages, and phone calls from people who just cared about me, and she was right, people do have a natural ability to just care. 

 

I have the most amazing In-Laws, sure we've had our run ins but the bigger picture is they are good, kind, caring people, who have raised an exceptional son and they were here to look after the boys while we went to the funeral

 

I had been dating and living with Michael for 8 years before he proposed, he doesn't race into anything too quickly, I wasn't going anywhere, I knew a good thing when I was on it. Three years before we eventually got engaged, he said .....     

(at Christmas time !!!!)

I am not sure whether I will put your present under the tree, because if you see the box , you'll know what it is, it's something you've been asking for ..... I might put it in another box so you wont know what it is"   DRRRRRR how dumb does he think I am , my ring is coming, I told some girlfriend stay close to your phone because I think it's "happening"  Christmas time, we see all the family, it's perfect, it's here, 5 years and it's here. I opened ever present slowly leaving "THE BIG ONE", till last. Finally the moment had come and I open it, to reveal a bloody electric cooking WOK, A BLOODY WOK, A FRIGGIN COOKING APPLIANCE ???????????    I WANTED A RRRRRRRRRRRRRRR ROCK !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Pretty safe to say that went down as a pretty shitty day, as we drove home I saw every blade of grass along the freeway, staring out the window in disbelief. It is now one of the funniest things, but geez, come on !!!!!    Lead me up the garden path.

 

So when we find ourselves handing over the boys on that Monday,  for Jenny's funeral it's hard to capture any smile, please let us be o-kay it's been a long 7 days & frankly I just don't want to do it. It makes all those other things I couldn't be "bothered" doing before 12WBT  really insignificant, too tired can't go to the gym, I'll drive to pick the boys up because it's just 15 minutes wasted, can't be bothered cooking lets get take away....... This ...... saying good bye forever, NA, REALLY don't want to do it.

 

Crap, what do I even wear?  I usually like to wear some kind of colour to "celebrate" life, I have nothing to celebrate, I just want it over. I put on the same top and clothes I wore to a funeral in April, I remember buying the shirt because it was cheap, and the only size that fitted me a size 24, and I mean I was uncomfortable and busting out of it, why did it matter as long as I was there. This time, 6 months later, I had to wear something underneath it because it was far too big.

For once I couldn't careless who had noticed that the shirt was far to big for me, I just didn't want to be noticed at all!!!!!!

 

 When we got there, Brett hugged me and said, " Oh Anth, thank god you're here,  I began to crumble, he held me and whispered in my ear, "Pull it together, if you start I'm going to,  so please , hold it together". And I did, Michael and I walked into the chapel and took a seat, I just didn't want to stand. As the service began, I looked over and clutching my handbag was Michael. Oh crap, Michael !!!! He had worked with Jenny for 9 years, it never occurred to me he was hurting as much as me, in my handbag were tissues, and like that Michael was the one lost in his emotions. As I looked around the chapel, I saw the bakery boy, the security guard of the shopping centre, workmates, school parents, sisters & families, and you just have no idea how many people you impact until you are gone. For as long as can remember,  if I love and appreciate someone I tell them, if they have a haircut,  if they are wearing nice clothes compliment them, you just never know when you might make a difference to someones day, you may change someones moment, someones day just by a compliment, costs you nothing but is worth everything !!!!   And you only get one shot at life so keep it positive, positive for you and positive for them.

 

When we got home, I had the usual sorting out off clothes, washing, mail, messages, and life just moves on. There was one thing I NEEDED to do though, my aqua class at 7pm, it's always a high intensity class, I just needed to get into the zone. I had not done a class for over a week, so I went harder, harder than I ever had. I usually get about 280-300 calorie burn a class, this night I did my PB- 407 calories.  I got out of the pool exhausted, I'm done, that was a tough day, and as tough as it is , at least I go to bed knowing there's nothing more I can do, for myself, or for Jenny . I ticked off every box and I'm o-kay, I'm going to be o-kay.

 

I had 3 weeks left of my 12 weeks, I had made it under 100 kilos, and I was 3 kilos away from 25 kilos in total. So I went really hard. Something inside of me thought, if I can just get to 25 then maybe I might get selected as top 20.

 

I made sure I hit that calorie burn everyday and I ate perfectly. I thought if I got that top 20, I can say to Jenny's family that I did it, I did it for her & it's not a waste of life. 

 

I found the program, very easy and the weight was melting off me, I just took it for granted, if I had done all the work, it was going to happen, I have the luxury of having a lot of free time during the day, as I work nights, so the opportunity was there to do well.

 

As apart as The Dirty Thirtys we record our weight each week, I rarely did as I didn't want it to become a comparisons game, well if she's loosing that much why aren't I ?

 

So I never really put any effort or thought process into the number as long as it was a loss I didn't care. The last week though, I had to loose 1.5 kilos to hit over 25 kilos loss. Let me tell you that WAS the worst week on the whole program because I lived and breathed the number, I even considered setting the alarm clock in the morning to get another workout in CRAZY stuff. I just couldn't wait for Wednesday to be over !!!! I desperately needed the break and I didn't want to carry that burden of the number again. If I had worried about the number from day one I would have been a mental case, and probably not sitting here writing.

 

As the 12 weeks was ending I began to think, Oh god I'm not going to Finale, should I be going?  Finale was never on my radar, the thought of large crowds and dressing up with heels and make-up, I would probably have been vomiting with stress . I suffered from PND after my second child was born, so panic attacks was something I had feared.

 

I had gone though a traumatic time with my mother, who no longer wanted anything to do with  me (which I have accepted and understand now)

 

My baby was born 6 weeks premature, 2 weeks after my mother's episode. He was a footling breach baby, although only weighting 4 pound, he was just beautiful, and healthy, he needed a bit of help but he was healthy !!!!  When you have a baby in special care, you operate like a robot, you do what you need to do, to see that precious little thing get stronger

 

 

 

 

 

 

You get quite accustomed to being at home and the alarm clock goes off, to get up and express your milk, as if you had a baby home. I would place my golden milk into the fridge and esky it the next visiting time. It was just what you had to do, as a mother, there's nothing more important than providing for you newborn child. Zayd came home healthy and ticking all the boxes until he was diagnosed with an inguinal hernia, very common in prem-babies, so at 9 weeks (3weeks corrected)  He needed surgery.  Prior to this news he had been most unsettled I hadn't slept for a weeks, worried and concerned. He was in ENORMOUS pain and would cry for hours. ( once in surgery it would become clear that his pain was caused by his appendix being caught in the hernia & ripping at him, 1 on 100,000 very special little boy who's bits are now in a medical journal somewhere. Zayd is Arabic for warrior at that he has been)

 

The day before he had his surgery , was Kevin Sheedy & James Hird's farewell.  Being an avid Essendon member, I had to be there, so the past 9 weeks, everything was about this baby. I felt guilty leaving him for the very first time, he was sick, but I felt I needed to go for some" me" time as we had surgery the next day. So I took my breast pump with me, so I could still keep producing milk, even though I did not have him with me. At half time I went into the parents room, with my breast pump. As I was heading into the room the security guard asked me to step away and not enter the room. I said, "but I need to do this here, I need to use my breast pump", he said, " Your not a mother, where is your baby? This is for parents". I said again, "please I need to do this, I need to use my breast pump", so he followed me into the room and grabbed me by my arm to drag me out. By then EVERYTHING had caught up to me, my mother, prem baby, sick baby, surgery, and I began to hyperventalate, and collapsed having my first ever panic attack at the MCG, and all I wanted to do was be discreet and use my breast pump. He then realised I was in trouble, got me a chair and called St John's people. I actually had never had that before & it was a terrible feeling. I am a pleaser, I like everybody and everything around me to be calm, happy, and I was none of those in that moment.

 

So an environment like finale up on stage, would just be a bit OMG, please don't let me freak out.

So Top 20 I thought, Oh I must be close to having lost enough weight, to at least make a top 20?  Then I looked through the forums and other peoples numbers and thought gee I just might have this, but what was becoming more obvious when people began "announcing" they had recieved an email that they had not lost the same amount as me but REALLY active on the forums, I had only commented 3 times, one to say my "say it out loud", another to say I enjoyed the shoe laces video, and to enter the motivation competition ...... which I won.

 

When I asked what were the criteria's to being selected,  in the different catergories it became apparent it's not about the weight loss, it's a combination of things. They were really great in their response to me, and I thought they handled my querry so profesionally.

 

Once I knew this,  I felt so much better, the ONLY reason I wanted to be named was I wanted to tell Jenny's family that it was all worth it, my efforts while she was sick was worth it. Which was so bizarre, I said all along it's not about the numbers ...... & it actually has nothing to do with the numbers, I just developed a hang up about the numbers for the week & my effort was so worth it, because I had regained control of my life again.

 

I was right all along it's not about the numbers !!!!

 

 

I can see clearly now the rain has gone, no more pressures, no more tears.

I can see all obsticles in my way.   

 

 

"NUMB" ................ USHER

  Just like a simple maths equation calories in + calories burned = weightloss.

It seemed simple enough, but I just never put it all together. It also equalled something else I was changing physically but my mindset was changing forever.

Every time I stepped onto the scales every Wednesday I knew it was going to be a loss, and quite frankly , it didn't matter the amount. Had you asked me before 12WBT, what would I be thrilled at?  I would have told you nothing less than a kilo, oddly enough I never did under 1 kilo, for the whole 12 weeks but it just didn't matter, because I would jump off the scale, enter the number and say, right new day, new week, I didn't even bother looking at the percentage or how many accumulative kilos I had lost, it just didn't seem as important anyway, because the equation was there and it was only getting easier. What wasn't getting easier was that I could no longer text Jen because she was finding it hard to respond to every text that came in, she just put all the phones in the draw because her news, was never going to get better.

So I threw myself into exercising even more, because this was me, "coping", the only way I could. I felt like I had been living in a whirlpool for the past few months.

whirl·pool/ˈ(h)wərlˌpo͞ol/

Noun:

A rapidly rotating mass of water in a river or sea into which objects may be drawn, typically caused by the meeting of conflicting currents. A turbulent situation from which it is hard to escape.

 I had my sister very unstable and I had my bestfriend dying, and like whirlpools, I was always getting dragged in and out and searching for calmer waters, I have no idea how I managed to get through it, I guess just having my eyes wide open and keeping it real contributed to my calmness.

Planning ........ Planning, that's what I do best, so I planned my workouts, I planned my menu's and I was planning for our first family holiday to Queensland.

I just couldn't work out this crazy thought in my head, How do I tell Michael that our luggage must contain the kitchen scales and the bathroom scales. I planned all the meals and I thought, how can I make this work for me?

And when I wasn't busy, how the blood hell was Jenny?

Finally Jenny calls me, she's been put into a rehab centre, as her spine is so fragile, it's a beautiful hospital she tells me, calm, peaceful, it's perfect, it's palletive care, BUT don't worry, I'm not dying, NOW,  YOU NEED TO SEE ME  ..........I NEED YOU.  She said.

It took 5 months but finally she has requested me,  ( instead of me insisting on seeing her)    god those words matched what I had been thinking for the longest time, with every text with every phone call, she needs me.

I would never get there because 2 days later after that phone call she is heavily medicated and dying. We recieve the phone call from her husband 12 hours before we are to fly out to Queensland. As we drive to pick up our boys , it seems every song on the radio is horrible, but it's Kate Miller-Heidke - Last Day on Earth, that makes my husband pull over because we are both crying, a perfect anniversary celebration, has now been disolved in this moment because nothing really matters but wrapping my arms around my precious children.

I am exhausted when we get home, but as I've been accustomed to do I sit and do my check list, it's Sunday night, there's a new 12 WBT video to watch & a new weekly challenge, when I read through the challenge, I think, I really kicked myself I didn't do that collage of my motivation, so this one I am going to have to enter. I'm not active on the 12WBT forums, but this is important to me.

I can't tell anyone Jenny's dying, it's late & really,  what can I do but make people sad?  So I respond to the weekly challenge, It's the only forum I can speak to without anyone really asking if I'm o-kay because the truth is I'm not o-kay !!!!!!  Why or what is motivating you to succeed. Week 9.  This is what I write at 1pm in the morning :

 We all struggle with something. My sister has attempted suicide twice and it's a daily battle for her to find something positive to live for, my best friend is currently dying of cancer ( and I mean hours/days to live). Prior to 12WBT, I would have punished myself with food as that was my coping mechanism, neither of these things are in my "control". It was time to stop punishing myself and " LIVE LIFE" because my organs are functioning & mind is focussed, so I needed them to see that the fight is worth it ..... LIFE .... is important. My struggle is my weight & I won't be beaten anymore. I just may loose them both but I'll be damned if I loose myself too, I need to honor not only their lives but more importantly my own. Perhaps if my sister sees me fighting to loose 40 kilos, then maybe she may see I am winning my battle. Quitting is not an option, living my life to the fullest of my potential, absolutely is.


I wake up 2 hours later, to pack my family to Queensland, I had planned and prepared for everything, everything but my girlfriend dying.

Through the fog of the morning and the excitement of 2 little boys I remember ,"Oh god, I actually did it, I'm a mad woman, I'm an obsessed mad woman". My carry on bag as it glides through the scanner has my menu folder, shopping list, heart rate monitor, knee brace, ipod nano, kitchen scales, cajun spice, and bathroom scales, yes the cajun spice was very important, yes officially mad !!!!!

I can't remember too much about the morning, it was a blur, walking onto the tarmac I thought brrrrrr.  Melbourne weather what is Queensland like? Before I know it my cold knees are flying up the stairs to board, What? How? When did that happen, when could I do stairs? I have arthiritis, and I have terrible knees. The only other time I though about me knees in this 12 WBT experience was about week 5.

Nina and I had done an aqua gymstick class, ( which only gave me 200 calorie burn as it's more toning & strengthening) I need my 600 calorie burn for the day, so we go to the quarry . I've never done the quarry , so I thought I would give it a whirl, very steep inclines on the outside of the quarrie, which is in the middle of a new housing estate, well the quarrie was there first, they have just landscaped and built a new housing estate around it. It's really lovely

There are a few excercise stations around, very well known in the area for the super keen, I feel really comfortable, this is the first real time Nina and I have had "alone" together we are usually either in a class, or with other people, it also helps Nina is trained in the fitness industry so I nit pick her brain about this and that. Nina's fitness levels is so much higher than mine, so as she's doing the sqwats I'm doing the very easy push ups on the bar, right lets move onto the next station. Nina points at the stairs, steep stairs. I'm going to run up these and you can work on your balance on these rocks on the bottom, edging the garden, that will build your balance and strengthen you knees, because you knees are too weak", and with that I reply, "that's right I don't do stairs".

 

As I am balancing on the rocks and Nina is half way up the stairs, I see one of  my biggest fears, a snake, it's a snake, OH NO , I DON"T DO SNAKES, and with that I have flown up the stairs and leave Nina in the middle looking up at me because, I've hit the higher ground quicker than I had ever imagined. "Why are you doing stairs?". " I yell back, I sure as hell don't do snakes !!!!!!"   Like,  I've just announced there's a fairy at the bottom of the garden Nina skips down to find it, " SERIOUSLY  NINA, I'm scared, IT'S A BLOODY SNAKE !!!!"   Nina, " Oh it's cold, they aren't active, I love reptiles", and with that moves in close enough to take this photo.

Higher ground I shall stay !!!!! Nina looks at me and said, " Anth, I wouldn't do it if I didn't know what I was doing and I will look after you". I should have known at that moment that she was going to look after me, it would take me another 7 weeks to realise just how far we had come.

YES , those stairs ..... I looked back down onto the tarmac and back over Melbourne. " Oh god, Jen, please don't leave me"

As I sit there in the plane I don't want to make eye contact, I'm tired, exhausted, and I'm suppose to be rested, then I look up at the attractive girls doing their demonstrations,  if the plane should fall out of the sky ?  Then another OMG moment, I didn't even consider asking for an extender belt ?????  Usually I try not to make eye contact, in the fear that they might sultley ask me if I require one, perhaps I am loosing weight that people don't notice me, but in a good way, now. WOW and with that thought we take off.

It's still so early in Queensland, made even earlier with the fact that they are not in daylight savings time, and we gain ANOTHER HOUR,  it is the longest morning ever. I am still expecting my phone to recieve a text from Jen but I just know it's not coming, I try and get into the holiday spirit, and Michael asks, what do you want to do? I said" walk & exercise", I need my headspace back, insane,  that's my request, so we head for Tamborine Mountains to a waterfall and for once I am ready to surrender my camera to my husband, I don't want to be absent from this holiday, it's going to be a holiday to remember, I just need it to be balanced, I need photos of this moment, especially this moment !!!!!  

 

 

We've had our walk, I feel better, I've finally had my photo taken, still hiding behind the boys, and sunglasses because that's just a habit I will never get over, we get into the hire care and I check Facebook, suprised I even get reception on a mountain I see Jenny's sister has tagged her in a post RIP, the only thing that makes this barable is the fact that she's resting with the angles and with that I crumble into the heap that was always coming, I grab the handle of the roof support and I sink into the seat belt, " No Michael , this isn't the way it was suppose to happen, she needed to she me skinny, I'm 100 kilos, I needed to be under 100 kilos and we were suppose to be happy together, NO, MICHAEL , NO, just no, I won't believe it until Brett calls me. Somehow we make it to the appartment in Surfers, we are so exhausted and all the boys want to do is swim. Yep, me and my water, seems to be the perfect place, so we go to the pool, of course me with my heart rate monitor, and the stupid things that go through your head, yes I see my heart beating you stupid thing, it's like an insult. So I go into the water and I do everything I know to get my heart rate up. I've done enough classes now I  could probably take one myself. The pool is situated on the 13th floor and we look over the city, I lay on my back and I float, with the reflections of the suns rays bouncing off the water I see shimmers of white on the roof , it's calm, it's peaceful, it's my home, and I can now ....... LET GO, SHE'S RESTING THERE IS NO MORE BATTLE,  THERE'S NO MORE PAIN  ................. IT'S TIME TO LET GO .

 

 

I THEN SING THE SONG THAT BECOMES MY EVERYTHING

 

NUMB - USHER      

 

  

 

 

I make my way up to the appartment and I have 4 messages from, Jenny ..... well Jenny's phone and it's her husband, I make the call.  I don't want to make this phone call but we have the most amazing conversation because we are relieved that it's all over, the fight, the pain, the battle is over, he just needs to know when we are home, so then he can arrange the funeral, hoping we can make it  (we do. We fly in on the Monday early, and we are sitting in front of her in the afternoon.)

 

I go to sleep almost immediatley it was a massive 12 hours, emotionally spent as I drift off to sleep, I think to myself of those reflections on the roof and how I just felt her with me floating in that pool, it felt so peaceful, I had two options

1. Eat crap, feel like crap, not excercise ..... nothing changes and Jenny's dead or

    2. Eat clean, feel o-kay, excercise  ......everything changes and Jenny's dead.

 

 

 

Under 100 kilos was were I want to be when I got home, if I can do a grand final, my birthday, anniversay and death for my best friend, geez I can bloody do anything, I set my mind to so I switch on, to get that under 100 kilos !!!!!

 

I woke up at 4.30am every morning, which isn't that hard when it's daylight and I walked 12 kms everyday. As I walked to the sun coming up,  I thanked the higher powers that I ever had her, it was my alone time, my reflection time,

 

 

 

 

 I actually really needed the space. As sad as it was, I couldn't have been in a better place, we were busy everyday, at the theme parks. I was well and truly aware that we only had one crack at life, so we were here, there was nothing more I can do, just create beautiful memories for my boys because they have no idea, nor should they, this was their first holiday, so lets make it count.

 

When we were at the theme parks, you get random photos taken of you if you are on the rides. I am not a rides person, but wanted to appear o-kay with it for the boys sake.  I was mortified of the photos that came out, I was still a very large girl, and it was a reality check, in where I still needed to go, I needed to be focussed, and determined.

 

I was o-kay in my bathers at Wet N Wild, I'm in my bathers anyway at aqua aerobics, so it wasn't a big deal, but I just didn't feel like getting wet. I'm still not there with the full confidence with my body, I'm still 100 kilos.

 

I was waiting for my family to come down the aqua racer, when the ride to the side of that, had a weight requirement 120 kilos. You couldn't wipe the smile off my face, not that I want to line up for the ride, I really wanted to line up to jump on the scales and do a big hip hip hooray for myself because 7 weeks ago, I would not have been able to go on the ride, big REJECTED, would have been stamped on my head.

 

 

   ( right of the wet'n'wild sign in the fencing is the scales, I've never been so thrilled

                                                to see scales in all my life)

 

So I possed for every photo, I created those amazing memories with my boys and it was a great break away, a  holiday that will be remembered for so many reasons.  

 

When I got home, this was waiting for me. I had been selected as a winner of the weekly prize. 

 

 

But the biggest memory would be the song that has changed everything ...........

NUMB BY USHER.

 

The film clip is stunning, trapped in a glass box and needing to break through the barriers, something I've tried so hard to do, whilst everyone is watching you, but then there's the lyrics.

 

"They say life is a battlefield I say bring it on"

 

Keep on doing the same old thing and you expect to change?

Well is that really insanity or just a loosers game?

I only believe in what I feel, some may say that's strange.

You better realise what is real because forever is alone, lone,lone,lone,lone, time.

 

 

 

YOU NEVER KNOW UNTIL YOU LET GO

 

It really was time to let go of all the excuses and every negative thought I had ever had.

 

Once again we all have our stories, which make up of history but don't let it define who you are or the spririt within, let it all go because you just might find that inner peace you've been searching for & isn't that a risk so worth taking?  If you are on your way to amazing? 

 

YOU NEVER KNOW UNTIL YOU LET GO. 

 

 

R.I.P my girl & thank-you for a gift I never saw coming.

 



 

 

 

 



 

 

 

"You've got a friend in me" .......Randy Newman

Funnily enough, I love my job, sure I work in a supermarket and I don't get a lot of money, but I love putting on my uniform and turning up for work every shift.

 

I've been doing it for 15 years. I know who I am when I put my shirt on, and I know my capabilities. I work on the shop floor, and I would be the most happiest if I could just walk around the isle, greeting people, chating with them wearing a gold sash, that reads, " How can I assist you? Please ask, because I would love to show you the way".

Guess that pretty basically sums up my whole life, and probably the way I have always lived, I'm happy if I am making other people happy.

Even from a young age, I had a real sense of a needing to help people to feel accepted. I grew up in a small town, well it was, 30 odd years ago, and we were the only dark skinned family in the town, the children were so cruel to us, I just think it was a different time,( thank god we have progressed !!!!) Therefore whenever somebody new came to the school, I took it upon myself to take care of them, answered any questions, and just took an interest in them. They didn't have to be my "friend" for too long, I just didn't want anybody to feel alone, again that learnt behaviour kicked in very early, treat people the way you want to be treated.

So when Jenny got sick, I just found it impossible, how an earth can I help?

I also really live on no regrets, if it feels right , you won't regret it. So if she needed me, I would drop everything for her, when that phone call came, I was hers, for as long as she wanted me on the line.

People have since noted to me, your commitment to your exercise is so inspiring," I wished I had that motivation". The thing is, when something is that important to you and you have that, need ..... that want ..... that desire, you find away of making that happen, and that in parallel was the way I could focus on Jenny & my weight loss, both were so important to me, and I had to do both.

 

When someone you love asks you to do something REALLY important for them, especially like Jenny who was dying, you usually don't hesitate to drop everything and be there for them. So why couldn't I put myself as priority number one, and that's what the 12 WBT had become to me, it was my need, my want and my desire to honor myself and LIFE in general.

I love structure and limits, if I need to be at an appointment at 2pm, I''ve done everything to get there at 1.45pm, petrol in the car, time factored in for hiccups, I love my structure. That's why I think this program is working for me because I like the formality of it, I tick boxes and I just get it done but when Michelle asked us to "Red Flag" our months, my whole October was completely highlighted. I thought, OMG no wonder I'm ruined by the time Christmas comes, I have school holidays, my birthday, our anniversary ....... but I had already begun the thought process in August, I was preparing and thinking how can I do this, to my favour?

Before October kicked in I had my day that is bigger than Christmas in my household,  we LOVE AFL, so Grand Final has always a day of eating, I mean big breakfast, anti-pasta platters, dips, cheese, bbq, hotdogs, chips, party pies, and we would eat every quarter, and into the evening, I never recognised that it was that bad, until I had began planning to not do it.What made the day easier was the fact that SSS, was a non- negotiable for me.

 

The first day I did my first ever SSS, I decided I will walk until I hit the 1000 calories burn. I had a good indication how far that was but I never anticipated how hard it was going to be. Being the first week, and detoxing I actually got really ill. I should have hit the anti-biotics earlier than I did, but I "needed" to be a trooper, I had laryngitis, and really heavy lungs, but not doing it was never option, so I set out in the beating sun, it was damn hot !!!!  And I walked for 2 hours & 45 minutes, I factored in a really steep hill ,

( My "steep" hill)

walking then a really long hill that is on a steady incline, by the time I had got to the incline hill, I was gasping for breath, I had my ipod and my iphone in my bra. Apparently I had called home ( well my right boob) had called home 3 times, and each time my 8 year old son answered the phone, he just said, it's that donkey calling again, because I eeeehhoaring, all the way up the hill,  because I was so sick, and my lungs were limited but I DID IT ......... I JFDI !!!!!!!!

When I got home I really put it all into perspective, it was my very first SSS, I was not quiting in the first week. My god THAT'S 1000 calories? I have to work that hard for 1000 calories ? I had walked 13 kms for 2 hour and 45 minute. I had my knee brace on, heavy lungs but I had a sense of achievement that it could be done, no matter the circumstances, and it had to be done that was SSS.  

For some reason, I had never noticed the numbers on the take-away boards at McDonalds, they were completely invisable.   I just needed to have it, some days I swapped the large coke, for a frozen coke and you might as well add in the large chocolate sundae because the sun is shining, seemed like a logical choice, why not feel fabulous when the sun's shining?

Break that down

Big Mac - 2060kj - 495 calories

Large Coke- 935kj - 225 calories

Large Fries - 1900kj -455calories

Large Sundae - 1450kj-355calories

Frozen Coke- 950kj - 225-calories

( all breakdowns have been sourced from Allan Borushek's Calorie Fat & Carbohydrate Counter book)

 

In total for one meal plus dessert I was looking at total calories of 1530.

If I had that meal twice a week, which has known to have happen, I was digging myself an even deeper grave because I wasn't even closely doing that amount of exercise, to burn half of one of those meals. Essentially I have been a lazy person as far as exercising, I am just not prepared to walk night and day to burn that food. It's hard enough to burn the healthy good food I was eating,  before tackling the pure crap of McDonald's !!!!!!!

So I then stepped into grand final day, having done the SSS, and without anything beyond what was planned for the day, I had removed the temptation, because I planned it and thought about it before the day had even arrived. My birthday arrives in the October, once again I stick to my normal routine, I figure why ruin all your good work, for one day to celebrate your "birthday" because when you are at goal weight, and feeling healthy , Anth, it's going to be your birthday everyday.

I would then see school holidays with extra planning, where do I take the boys? We walked around the lake with other friends who had children, I took them for a drive down the beach to walk along the sand, and I took them to a very large play area which had hills, I lapped the swing area, the sandpit area, up and down the hills, all with my heart rate monitor on. I know the other mothers were looking at me like I was on drugs, which I kind of was, I was on my own high of feeling fabulous, I actually couldn't careless what they thought of me, I had my headphones in, enjoying the sunshine, my boys were happy and I was still moving, it was a win, win, and guess what THE SUN WAS STILL SHINING & I DIDN"T WANT A FROZEN COKE OR A SUNDAE !!!!!

 

My biggest redflag came in the form of our 10 year anniversary, something we had been looking forward to. I just couldn't fathom over indulging, so I worked so hard in every class and in the gym, I did 3 - 1000 calorie burn days, before we even had our week-end away. Funny how, I use to do a work out and buy chips and gravy on the way home, because I thought I earned it, thruth be known I probably had only worked for 200 calories. So I knew whatever we did, I had made up the calories. We went to Mammasita's in Melbourne a reall amazing mexican restaurant with small servings, it was perfect, I had a bit of everything but it felt really measured. When we got back to our room, there was a bottle of sparkling wine waiting for us. Didn't faze me as I don't drink, but that got flushed down the sink, my husband couldn't bring himself to drink it because he now realises, that food and drink comes with a price, if you pick the wrong options and breakfast was ordered to our room, so we could avoid

THE BUFFET BREAKFAST.

So I then realised that like in law :  I was setting a precedence.

The definition of setting a  precedent : to establish a pattern; to set a policy that must be followed in future cases

I figured if I did this once eg not eat all the food I could at a party, say no thank-you to the food that was offered, wake up at 5am and do a gym workout, walk in the wind and the rain in a rain coat, climb those stairs, take that class you never imagined yourself to go, use the cross trainer, have a birthday ( which would only make Christmas even easier) exercise while I was sick, go out for dinner, go on a holiday, have friends over for dinner ........... 

 

 

DO IT ONCE & KNOW IT CAN BE DONE, AGAIN & AGAIN& AGAIN

I WAS SETTING MY FUTURE PATTERNS TO SUCCEED !!!!! 

 

 

I was a good friend to Jenny  and others around me  but I was becoming my own best friend too by backing myself and believing in my own ability. 

 

 

 

 

 

 



"One" U2 & Mary J Blige

27th August- 14th of November 2012

When I began the program, and declared it to the facebook world, I just didn't know how my real world I was living in was going to change.

It's out there now, will people be watching me? No one really seemed to care, but I felt like I was walking around with a neon sign above my head "fat person walking, I'm exposed now", why wouldn't I be thinking that? It was all confirmed in THAT BEFORE photo. I now knew exactly what they were looking at because frankly I didn't like looking at me either. My husband and my BFF - Beautiful fitness friends, knew exactly where it sat with me.

I may share a whole lot of myself, and I'm o-kay with that.  I gave it great consideration whether to do this or not. I had found myself a wonderful little facebook group. I was always happy in the facebook world, but just like google, I found this group had become my "home" page. Each time I opened it up, I would find some new information, or someone's point of view, great sense of fun, and reality all rolled up into one. We had the same battle , our number began with 3 numbers, 120 was my number.

There is weightloss to look good, there's weightLOSS, where you feel completely lost because you've felt isolated because of your weight ........ and that was me !!!!! I was lost, I didn't have anybody around me who was 100 kilos, ( before Nina) or if I did, nobody wanted to talk about it,  hell I never wanted anybody to know I was over 100 kilos, but to join a group who were announcing I am 100 kilos plus, WOW,  that, within it's self was enormous because that's an honest and opened as it gets, say it out aloud and then share that too ................I just knew I had found the right place for me, and it's all about finding the place where you fit.

Emma "our creator" often would "like" a comment I made then write, please can you at least considering blogging. Which I would never had thought about doing, and Reiki gave me the insight to trust those inner instincts, to make those comments, Reiki allowed me to block all the negative thoughts that was my driving force of self doubt.

It's not like I woke up and said, "Oh I think I might just give that program a go and I am going to loose an enormous amount of weight in 12 weeks". I had been working towards THAT moment for at least 18 months, having Reiki done every month and already exercising, and weight watchers , I was just about there, but somehow I just couldn't put them all together. As soon as I began 12WBT it was like OMG, it was time, all my ducks are in a row, and for me it was ALL ABOUT MINDSET !!!!!!! ACTIONING IT AND JFDI. ( Just friggin do it)

Often I would hear that little bit of self doubt come into play and I found I had an answer to it ........ I would ask myself, WHAT IS REALLY STOPPING YOU FROM "ACHIEVING ??????"

WHY DO YOU REALLY WANT YOUR LIFE TO BE MISERABLE, BECAUSE THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT YOU WERE. YOU ARE UNHEALTHY & UNHAPPY.

Why would anybody want to feed the need to be miserable? Everything else was pretty amazing about my life, but why did I not respect my body?

For as long as I can remember I've always had a saying " I am the only person who determines whether I'm happy or sad, and I CHOOSE to be happy." Again in most cases, this served me really well in most situations, but why can't I choose to be completely happy in my alone time because all I wished for was to not be overweight ?

Just like the food that went into my mouth, I'm the only person who is to blame for where I am, so I NEEDED TO TAKE THE REINS OF MY OWN DESTINY !!!!!

This was also sooooooo much easier to achieve when I had my bestfriend dying too.

She was my driving force, my Thursdays would be an aqua class in the morning, and I would take my lunch and sit with her. It certainly broke the inner negative thoughts I had.

How can she be so thankful that I would be sitting next to her? She NEVER said, "Shit Anth I'm in so much pain, not one complaint", she just wanted to get better so she could volunteer at the library and deliver books to people who were sick, just like herself, how could she pay it forward? At the beginning of her sickness she said, " I'm not going to have grey hair, I'm not going be considered elderly, so I need to do what I can do right now".

After that conversation that led me up to signing up I would only get to see her twice because everytime she would have more chemo, they would find the cancer somewhere else, she would have many blood transfusion, and more medication, she would never let me come to hospital to see her, she was too proud, so texting and phone calls I would have to rely on, and even then when her darker moments were so dark, I would check my phone a thousand times to see whether she needed me.

I would send her a photo, always a head photo, because the body wasn't anywhere I wanted it to be, I wanted her to have a whole WOW factor for the day I walked in and she would see a thinner me.

Why was this so important to me? Because over the 7 years Jenny saw me "join" many weightloss programs, and she had seen it so many times join and fail, join and fail, and so the pattern was continous.

"Oh, again, are you going to finish this now?" She would hint. When she first said it, I was insulted, What?  She doesn't believe me? Friends are supose to support you no matter what. Then I realised she came from a very different angle she would have been mortified if she thought she had really offended me, but it came from a really good place, her concern for me and my weight, she knew my husband and my kids, and she just wanted me healthy and it was because of that honesty I loved her completely. I actually looked for her opinion on just about everything and I respected her opinion because I loved her.

So because I had this empty gap where I would usually see Jenny, when she was in hospital I didn't really know what to do, 12WBT came exactly when I needed it, because with good choices , the exercise and the motivation I was able to really keep my emotions intact and how I could respond to anything she wanted, it sure did make me stronger.

She would call me late at night from hospital, just to have her raw moments, and I could take it all on, and listen and love her, in the only way I knew how. To keep it all together for myself,  I had to find myself.

My friendship with Nina was also developing, and we were both at very different fitness levels, Nina would run, with our other BFF's, and I would pound the path with my headphones on, walking because my knees couldn't really take a lot.

Although I was still surrounded by people ....... positive people, I still had this emptiness that I was loosing her and there was nothing I could do . So I had to find the strength from within, to take on what I really did know was the evitable.

I had to support Jenny but I had to find myself too.

In the first 3 weeks I lost something ridiculous like 8 kilos, I just thought. "Oh, that's just my body detoxing" .

We had been looking at buying a new car for months, and months, a Kluger, Territory, Rav4 were all on the list, I had convinced myself that my knees were so bad and they were !!!!! That I needed to drive a car that I could easily step out of and step right onto the ground. My knees were so bad that even getting up off the toilet was painful, with all that weight it would be grinding and crunching and at night I could feel my body screaming in pain, I had pins and needles and numbness because my blood was not circulating properly, my back ached, my hips ached, everything was just so sore, because when you are bending all the time and your joints are barely holding the weight I was a complete mess.

Looking for cars is such an exhausting process, finding the right one, then going to see it, and then test driving , after 2 months of "researching" I was beginning to have a gut full, each time my husband asked me what car I wanted, my answer was, I just want you driving a safe car, because he was going to have the car I was currently driving.

I was 2 weeks into the program and I was sitting in a car, thinking, god I don't even know how to drive a big tank, thats what it feels like, a tank. My first car was a little ford laser, so I am most comfortable in a little car. Then it completely dawns on me. Anthea, you are changing your life here, this program, this moment in your life, you are JFDI. No more excuses I hear Michelle in my ear, and with that I turn to Michael and say, you need to buy the car you want, because at the end of this program be it   2,3,4 ,5 rounds, I'm not going to have knee problems, I'm not going to ache anymore. Lets not give me anymore reasons to make it o-kay that I need to be driving a car that I'm not comfortable in anyway, bloody hell, let's just do it, lets bloody change my life forever !!!!!!!! And with that we made our decision on a sedan car for Michael and we  bought one that week.

So in a work of pure divine intervention.

Jenny was sick, so I needed to get healthy with me being supported by my BFF's, & The Facebook group, they made me stronger to cope with the most important thing. They had NO IDEA that I had began trusting my own instincts and my own actions  110%  by controllingMY choices.  This was all preparing me for MY LIFE & THE LOSS OF A LIFE .


Which brings me back to U2.


One love
One blood
One life
You got to do what you should
One life
With each other
Sisters
Brothers
One life
But we're not the same
We get to
Carry each other
Carry each other

One
One Love

" Good Feeling", FloRida

           THIS IS THE SONG THAT WILL BECOME MY ANTHEM TO
                                    LOOSE 25.2 KILOS IN 12WEEKS !!!!!!!!!!!



So I go to bed the night before 12 WBT begins. I think, have I eaten every piece of food I could possibly miss eating? Which sounds so odd now,  as I am writing this, so far into the program because I can't list you all the food I thought was that important that I needed to eat it before my head hit the pillow that night, because NO FOOD is THAT important anymore !!!!

I do everything that is asked of me in all the video snips, all the pre-season tasks, and I mean,  I DID ALL OF THEM, and sometimes I did them 4 times because my eyes were wide open, I was armed and prepared, I had a brand new pair of shoes, I searched a heap of music that had amazing beats that would see me walk everywhere, FloRida, Nicky Minaj, Rhiannon, Pink, Karmen, Katy Perry. Every workout I had charged my ipod every night before I went to bed , to make sure I didn't have that one excuse that would make it o-kay to miss my "planned" workout and I had my heart rate monitor. I woke up every morning knowing exactly what it was I WANTED !!!!!


Now this little machine rocked my world !!!!  My heart rate monitor. I wasn't going to get one but I thought, you've done everything Michelle has asked you to do, whats another $100 if it works?  (I'm certainly not a rich person but it was important to me to have all the right tools)   What if I miss out on the opportunity to be amazing?  Once again, I watch The Biggest Looser and I think they wear something to tell them a calorie burn ???     Yep, I'm going to just like them.

So day 4 my heart rate monitor arrives, so incredibly keen I flick through the instructions and slap it on to see how it works. I wear it all day, just to get the feel of it and I'm keen to know what SSS is how hard is it to do 1000 calories?

I watch my heart beating at 89, not doing anything, I don't know if that's any good, but at least it's beating I suppose. Then I go on with my business, my business is usually housework, so I bend over in the laundry and I heave the clothes from the floor into the front loader. I can hardly bend my knees and my back just hurt because that's what's taking all the pressure, all that 120 kilos of pressure,  as I bend I watch and hear the heart rate monitor jump to 108 beats. I am floored I stop and can not even fathom that a simple everyday action like bending over to pick up clothes put that much pressure onto my heart ?????   All that fat I had in my gut, was pushing into my heart and making it work so damn hard, and I was putting clothes into the washer for gods sake, it should be that hard. !!!!!  HOLY CRAP, what the bloody hell have I been doing to my body and I really honestly had no idea, how enormous the problem was, it wasn't about how good I looked anymore, it was a real game changer , this was so much deeper than a want it anymore it  now became a need.

I approach it as a marathon, I literally set myself a plan every hour (tick), everyday,(tick) every week (tick). If I eat all the right food, did all the calorie burns and drank all my water, then I would loose weight. There was nothing complicated about it, just like a maths problem or a recipe to your favourite dish,  I just needed to keep it real, and it always came back to my own internal FEELINGS.

 I always associate things with thoughts and feeling that's why the songs are really important to me, that's why the before photo became important too. I would pull that up on the computer and look at it when I was tired because being tired was always my downfall, no good decision was every made by me because I was tired. So I would look at that before photo and remember had embarrassed I was to make my husband look at ME through the lens of the camera and I felt that every time because it was all me.

Nobody else put all that food into my body, it's not like someone stood there and said, here eat that 3rd piece of cake, eat the bag of chips, eat that pizza, and stuffing it into my face,  it was the doing of my own hand I did that.  It was me and only me. One of the songs on my ipod was Nicky Minaj, "Starships" and she sings, " I own that"  and I do !!!!  I own it, without emotion, it is what it is, I can't hide anymore because I've said it out aloud. I own it and I am the only person who did it and I was hurting myself and not giving those I loved the person I knew I wanted to be.

So functioning on the one hour, one day, one week, I found every Wednesday morning at weight o-kay it's that time again because I knew I did everything to the letter, and I let go of the number, I actually didn't even care about the number, a loss was good but more importantly I had a " GOOD FEELING".
                                   
                                          Yeah I got a brand new spirit,
                                                 Speak it and it's done
                                       Woke up on the side of the bed like I won

                   IT REALLY HAD BECOME

                                      ALL

                    ABOUT THE FEELING

                                            



                        

Everyone's Waiting & The Two of Us ....... Missy Higgins

EVERYONE'S WAITNG

 

                                           " I know all the lines to say
                                           The part I’m expected to play
                                     But in the reflection I am worlds away."
                                                   "Missy Higgins"

How can I be fooling everybody that I was o-kay? I had been doing it for so long, was this how I was suppose to be?  Please listen to your heart Anth, please listen to your heart. Why are you doing everything for everyone else. Where am I ?
                               Breathe, exhale,   it won't be long   ......................

So where do I start ?  

I start "pre-season" at around the 2 weeks before it goes live, I figured, it can't be too hard, I'm a bit of a pro at this weight loss business, god knows I've spent many dollars trying to get there, what makes this so different anyway? Just give me those menu's, shopping list and exercise plan and see whether I think I can do it.

O-kay, pre-season stuff, I click through them, can probably miss that little task thingy, I see the heading, I think I know what that's all about. I've come into pre-season ever so late, so I'll get back to that and fill it in later. Don't they just want weight and measurements to compare? Nut's and bolts, isn't it about in 12 weeks, you have a "BODY TRANSFORMATION" ? That's the most important thing to look good right, so people stop judging you by your weight?

Then I realise hmmmmmmm.  I've never seen a weight loss program through EVER, perhaps it was time to start and finish and let every process speak for themselves.

So I allocate a good 45 minutes in the day to do the pre-season tasks because this is important. I put my head phones in without any distraction from my 2 boys because if that's what I had to do, to not missing anything, then that's what I had to do. Clearly she knows what she's doing because I watch The Biggest Loser every year, and I understand she must know a few things or two , I've seen the tv show.

"Getting Real" Task

I put the headphones on and listen, god 19 mins this goes for, do I really have 19 minutes?

I have housework to do, I have dinner to prepare, what if the boys need me? So I whip through it, and once again I'll get back to that writing it down later. So yes I go straight back to what I know how to do, that role I play, get those dinners, getting everyone settled for bed then go to work.

It's at work I can't help but think of Jenny. She's just not coming at 9pm, She's sick, she's soooooo sick, but she's still smiling and she's still texting, so she's going to be o-kay. At work I just have too many "thoughts".

When Jenny was first diagnosed with lung cancer, I would set my alarm clock, same time everyday to remind myself to text her, no matter how busy I was, I was sending her my love it was a simple love heart but she knew it was always coming.

We work for Woolworths and around about this time the company commits to a jingle, " Monday, Tuesday,Wednesday, Thursday, Friday , Saturday I love you". Once again another song that comes with meaning.

Why can I hum this song, and have soft teardrops for my girlfriend, yet I can not seem to give myself the time to truly love myself ?  I am reminded every time the song comes on at work, these 2 things.

So I go home at midnight. Now finishing at midnight, I would go home armed with shopping bags, filled with groceries ( which would cost me a fortune in one hit $30-60 a night) for tomorrows meals, and usually snack foods to eat while catching up with the ever so important tv shows that I had missed out on, chips, nachos, ice-creams, dips, salami, was never too fussed as long as I ate because that's what I do when I'm alone. I don't go home to watch the taped tv shows, I now have that 19 minutes of QUIET ALONE time to watch those snippets. The things in the videos that just resonates with me are

1)  What are your excuses that you've been telling yourself, that everybody else around you are believing
2) Are you busier than a prime minister
3)  She can't not exercise, it's like not having a shower ( clearly she's insane, and that's her "job" anyway)

But it's the spinning the BS that everyone around you believe it and you've convinced yourself that it can't be done that just seems to stick.

I then happen to find another hour, another 3 times in those couple of days.  I watch those clips because I see her talking directly to me, yes it's into the camera, but just like Mister Cellophane, I get it.

I know taking a before photo is coming, I see many people posting their photos, but I can't do that, why would I want to share that with anyone else, hell I don't even look at myself in the bathroom mirror , perhaps to brush my teeth but anything else, na !!!! The bathroom mirror is the length of shoulder to top of the head, that's enough of me every day, be damned if I stop to look into a full length mirror YUCK !!!!!

So quietly I process theses pre-seasons tasks, I don't share any of it with my husband, it's become a time where I am silent. I am thinking I am processing, my excuses, god, I have them all.

• My body hurts, my knees are so damaged that walking anywhere with distance is hard,and stairs, I don't do stair, if there's a lift, I'll use it !!!!
• I have arthritis in those knees so they will hurt anyway.
• I work nights so I'm tired. I need to sleep to catch up with the sleep I don't have during the night. I can't exercise.
• I like being apart of the school community and I love volunteering my time. They "need' me
• My husband and kids love me anyway, does it matter what anybody else thinks?
• I can't exercise in the rain, it's wet and cold, and heat ???? So I don't do the heat either.
• I have Poly cystic ovaries syndrome (PCOS) my body is not designed to be processing ,I don't think there's too much I can do about this.
• I've been pre-diabetic for so long that it's just going to get me.
• I have never really been completely committed to anything other than my husband and boys, don't think I can do this.
• and then there's Jenny and my sister, god I have so much on, can I really become selfish, can I really afford time for myself ?

SAYING IT OUT-LOUD - PRE-SEASON TASK.

Just like I am sitting here writing this blog, I know what's running through my head but god , am I really brave enough to share it with everyone? 

But my first commitment was to do everything I am asked if this was going to work,

So I type this : I was going to keep this as a secret, I have joined Michelle Bridges 12 week programme, but apart of my prestart is to be honest and put it out there. (I am not strong enough to give you my number of kilo's I carry, that's clear enough that I carry excess, upon excess & god knows I feel that every night before I go to bed) I am a yoyo dieter, my problem is that I loose perhaps 7 kilos, then stop and put on another 10 kilos. I am unhappy that my body shape does not match the inner beauty I feel. I have to take before & after photos of myself in my underwear, so I bought some nice lingerie, I have never felt so low as I did, taking a good hard REAL look at myself, it was confronting, and I stood in the lingerie shop with tears rolling down my face because it was the realisation that this is who I am physically & I don't particular like that person's shape in the mirror. Today I make a commitment to remain focused, positive, I know it will be challenging but by the 12 weeks, I would like to have lost 10 kilos & feel like I am making progress on becoming the healthy person I know I can be. I don't EVER want to go backwards EVER again. Forwards I shall go.

I ask my husband to sit next to me as I read it out aloud to him, I have no idea when I look up from sobbing whether he is going to be upset with me because I could never say it to him, or will he be proud of me, will he still love me, have I disappointed him, Oh no, please let him love me............. and he does, he's been doing that for nearly 20 years and gives me a hug hugs, and saids," Anth whatever it takes".

So I send this into my Facebook world. It's like my finger hovers over the return/button. It  has a complete NEW meaning, If I hit return- THERE IS NO RETURN, IT"S OUT THERE & I HAVE TO DO IT,  EVERYBODY KNOWS WHO I AM.




                        EVERYONE'S WAITING- MISSY HIGGINS



THE BEFORE PHOTO

I shop for comfortable underwear, perhaps if I feel o-kay in front of the camera, then perhaps, it's not that bad. I think about it all day, it must be done, I need to tick that complete box after the task. I have nice underwear and doesn't that mean you're sexy if you've been in a lingerie shop?

My husband takes the photos of me, front, side back, wishing I could close my eyes, if I close my eyes, perhaps this doesn't make it all real. God hold your breathe Anth, and once again breathe in and exhale. I thought that was the hard bit.

Looking at the photo was the most confronting thing I've ever done, I put it up very large on the computer because I all of a sudden it got very, very real.

I looked at the photo like an out of body experience, As if I was somebody else ......  they didn't know my history, they didn't know my story, they didn't know my excuses, they didn't know anything about my personality, I'm a nice person with a good heart, I care about people. To them I am a fat, revolting person, who clearly doesn't think highly enough of themselves if they have chosen to do this to themselves.  Big , ugly, unappealing , revolting, disgusting, morbidly obese person. That WAS my photo, that WAS ME !!!!!!!!!

I had been lying to the only person who should only matter and that was myself. I had convinced myself this is who I am and that's the way I should be.

Which brings me back to Missy Higgins,   "The special two"
          

Originally written about having an affair, My interpretation is a little different. When I hear this song, I can close my eyes & I can hear myself singing to the person I want to be, I felt alone because I was stuck in a body that I did not love, "and the conscious never lies"  but I knew if I could unite who I felt I was in that moment with who I wanted to be      ...... we could become "The special two once again again"


                 
IF THE TRUTH WAS THE KEY, MY TRUTH WAS , I DON'T LIKE MY BODY SO , I WILL FIGHT FOR YOU & STRIVE FOR YOU.

         

 

 

Through the eyes of the camera

When ever there was a photo I had no editing control over, which was MOST of them, I would try and cut the only likable thing I think I saw, usually a square and a face, never a full length body shot. Never did I ever think these seen by ANYONE  !!!!!!