You think gee, was it worth putting yourself through all that stress and the stress on the car? You've burnt more petrol, worn out your tyres, probably still angry and you know what, I bet they do the same thing tomorrow, wanting a different outcome? Stopped at the same traffic light is where you will find them ....... right next to me.
How do you want to travel the road?
I felt really nervous last week travelling down the freeway towards the pool. Questioning, and questioning myself, am I doing the right thing? I've lost all my confidence in my bodies ability. It just felt like I was starting at 130kgs again, in my first aqua class.
The first time I ever did aqua, ( 3 years ago) I cringed and tried to get into the pool without looking like a whale. I wore shorts and a rashy. I hadn't been in a pool for at least 15 years, not even to do the swimming lessons with my babies, was enough incentive for me to drop the disguise. I wrote it off as Michael's "bonding time" with the boys. In all honesty it was just another bullet in my heart that I was fat, overweight and I sitting on the sidelines, not to been seen. Not feeling like a mother, or a wife I just felt completely invisible, to everyone. Especially to myself.
The physio told me 3 weeks ago, as soon as the scar had healed, I could begin water work. I asked aqua? And I even showed him the movements that we do. Yep, was his answer, "just no hoping and make sure your landing is safe, that your knees are still over your feet, but YOU ARE READY. Funny how I've quizzed him every week, even 3 days out of surgery, I was asking, when do you think I can do a class?
When I take the exit off the freeway, that day and moment had come.
I tweaked my knee for the first time in February, but I feared if I even acknowledged it then I would have to stop this momentum that I had developed. So I ignored it. I told nobody, pretended it would just go away. So I rested and iced it until I felt like it had "repaired" it's self then I would push even harder, to make up for the days that I had "rested" . Oh the mind games in my head.
Reality was I couldn't ignore it on Easter Thursday when I completely ripped it and I couldn't walk. GOD the pain. I spent all Easter not being able to move, any support on it would cause it to buckle in excruciating pain.
So I became the "manger" of my knee. I couldn't hide anymore, the damage was done, Oh ....... so done !!!!
I began physio very quickly after that, knowing that it was heading for surgery, I just knew in my gut, even I couldn't fix this.
I could walk 4 hours on it, then rest for an hour or just to have save it for work at night. I became very good at sitting a watching catch up tv.
So ironic that once I couldn't get off the couch, because I was purely fat and lazy. This was the last place I wanted to be !!!!! I had to stay in bed, to rest & recover to get back to what I felt so passionately about ....... exercising.
One of those shows that was on my catch up list was The Block. Such creative people with such vision. How on earth do they have the design and methods in their heads to present such stunning outcomes? Even if it's not to you liking, when you see the before and after photos I am simply in awe of them. Sure they have the professional tradies to help them but collectively they just pull all of their resources and they deliver !!!!
OMG, my knee, and my body is THE BLOCK !!!!!
From all good buildings a "plan" and "foundations must be set in place. I've got my leg wrapped in bandages, swollen and the remains of dried blood still underneath all of that & I'm asking when can I get back into exercising ???? It's like asking can I paint the feature wall? How can I even expect to do that ? When I have so many processes to do ?
- Done enormous amounts of pre-surgery physio (5wks)
I've had the slab poured
- The surgery, now I need to let the knee rest and set ( just like the cement base)
Setting out the bricks
- Then we need to start rebuilding the knee to function again, that means bending, and supporting my weight.
Mortar - There's no use setting down the bricks if you don't put the
mortar in between the bricks, to make the whole structure supported & stable !!!! That's why 4 times a day I was doing my muscle building around my knee & will CONTINUE to do so. My knee has been traumatised and I need to do every thing to give it support and make the structure strong.
So at each episode of The Block, I am thinking about the process in relation to my knee.
Currently I sit at putting the stud walls up and I have one hand on the sheet of plaster.
Still a long way from painting that feature wall, I still need to patch up holes, sand it back, apply the undercoat. There's a few steps that I need to get through before, I can even think about that before and after photo, I'm striving for. But it's one I am happy to take it at each "episode" at a time.
So as I pull into the car park at the pool, I am so terribly nervous. What if I ruin all of my good work, and it was all for nothing and I make it worse?
I wait for the first class to finish, I walk all the way around to the ramp to get into the pool. I duck under the lane ropes, and I find my spot in the class.
I wait, in the pool thinking, god, I've made it. I'm here, I'm actually here, in this moment, this is what I have literally dreamt about. I hear the women complaining about the temperature of the water as they dip their toes in. " Brrrrrrr one lady saids ..... "you mean I gave up my warm bed to get into that freezing water?".
In my head I was SCREAMING ARE YOU SERIOUS ????????
This is a luxury to exercise !!! I have waited 19 weeks to do this. It could have icebergs floating in it, bloody hell, if your body is capable of doing it, then don't complain, you've made the effort to be here. JUST DO IT !!!!
And with that, I couldn't have been happier, start that music, I'm ready.
I'm back, it might be at 70% capacity, but I'm back and I feel like the huge missing puzzle piece has come back into my life and I feel alive again.
Once again on the freeway , I ponder, about the erratic driving, I take time to look at my journey and my destination, looking at what I've learnt and gained through this whole process. I don't want to be repeating the same mistakes, I'm still trying to develop and become a better version of me. If that takes time, then that's what it's going to take. But I still want the same results, that I know will never change but I now also know that it takes hard work and determination, to make the right choices every time !!!
Yes, I have found myself stationary at the red traffic light, I've been idling on amber for a few weeks, and I've now been given the green light ........ NOT TO SPEED ....... but to be smart and take it at my own pace. And create those moments that are all about the positive within me. However small they are it's all about the moments
" But until the gates are openI just wanna feel this moment "